I said to myself:
It always finishes before it has even begun
Like a scoop of ice cream which used to fall off the corn,
from my nerves hand,
when I was a child
.
Or like a balloon
which always manged to escape in front of my wondering eyes,
finding its way through the sky, reaching the clouds
.
Or like an inviting smile
that I always managed to disguise with a bitter frown,
so he could not realise that I loved him
.
I reminded myself of those children
who never let me join their imaginary playful world...
A battle which I am still trying to win
though we are children,
no longer
.
I reminded myself of the first letter,
I ever wrote
The first letter,
which smelled of love
The first which was the last…
.
I remember, I wrote:
“I am writing this letter to you”
To you
Whom I do not know where you are right now
nor I know what you are doing right now
To you
that I love more than anyone I have
so, I am writing this letter to you…”
.
I remember that I wrote that letter with two pens,
holding them together,
a green and a red
Somehow that no one would recognise my handwriting
And I signed it with a name which was not mine
I remember that I wrote that letter
at the midst of an early dawn
At the midst of an early pale blue dawn
.
I should have realised that love equalled sin
.
I should have turned my face away from love
The way one would turn from a stranger
I should have covered my ears with hands of denial
I should have known that love equalled sin
.
And then we both turned our faces away from love,
as the strangers would turn
And then we kept washing away the cloths of our hearts
in the stream of denial
Over and over
Until we managed to defeat our hearts for ever a ever
.
And now
With a fake relish,
I am sitting at a dinner table
Despite my unwillingness to sit
Despite my unwillingness to eat
the host keeps on
offering…
.
I love you
Even though I did not say a word to you
but “hello”, occasionally
.
And today I am so thirsty for that “hello”
and desire the quench of hearing that voice
which used to answers back
saying: “hello”
.
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
My heart keeps on asking me
.
Do you still remember the sunny streets of spring
on the way back from school?
Do you still remember the alleyways
which were covered with snow of cold winters?
Do you still remember the footprints of the sun
on the icy pavements?
Do you remember the sun and the snow
which merged with one another
mirroring our desire to meet again?
.
And I
Always alone
And alone
And again alone
And still alone
Keeping worm
with the memories of those freezing days…
.
I wish I did not keep that secret from you
I should have known that tomorrow
would plant you in the desert of denial
It was so bitter without you
When my longing heart was labelled with sin
Where pain was mixed with desire
Amongst the calamity of my lonely life
.
And today
When I glance at yesterday
Asking why happened all that happened
And why did not happened, what should had not happened
And why I did not steal the pen
of the hand of the fate
.
And now at the depth of my loneliness
I am struggling with the dream of a distanced mirage
And the memories of what have never happened
And a heart which has never beat
because of the fear of love
And a face which has never turned red
because it never turned to you
But a face which turned yellow
because of the fever of separation from you
.
And today it has been registered in the book of unrecorded memories
Amongst the pages of an unwritten book
inside the history which has never happened
in the tail of the love story which has never been said
the remain of a desire which has never been believed
a pale desire
a lifeless one
a dumb one
.
And now,
with a virgin body
but a loose heart
I am sitting at the doorstep of a nightmare
Perchance that the infant of my heart
will be played with
that a child would play
with a butterfly...
.
And I am still thinking of the love
which I could have offered you…
